Feb 3- Let It Go

Meditation: Chopra, Creating Abundance: Abundance and the Law of Detachment
Length: 15 minutes
Where: My Bedroom Floor, Los Angeles
How It Felt: Beyond Inspiring

Day 13 Centering Thought: “As I let go of the need to arrange my life, the universe brings abundant good to me.”

Ohhhh today was a good one, guys!

Let me tell you something: I struggle with CONTROL.

I grew up in two chaotic households. I strive for structure. I cherish firm boundaries. I love clear communication and expectations. These can be good things, but all our most positive qualities can also be our most negative, right?

The most extreme example of how the negative side of this manifests in my life is my eating disorder. From age 11 or so I started controlling what I ate, experimenting with bingeing and purging, sometimes dipping into “workout bulimia,” always strictly monitoring my weight. I’m incredibly lucky that I was able to start my recovery about six years ago after nearly two decades of struggle.

I’m currently feeling extremely well balanced, happy, and healthy, (and actually loving my new curves!) but of course also aware that this could be triggered at any time.

The other less obvious drawbacks to seeking control are the relationship issues when you seek to control others, the frustration that comes when things don’t go the way you want to or people don’t act the way you would like, and some major anxiety. Working on my perfectionism while I was in recovery allowed me to let a lot of that go, but old habits die hard! I still have to constantly remind myself that my actions, my reactions, my words, and my choices are the only things I truly have control over.

It’s a process.

Today’s meditation invited me to let go of that need. I feel like this is another piece of the equanimity puzzle I’m still trying to put together.

“Detach from all expectation of outcome by allowing everyone and everything the freedom to be exactly as they are. Accept uncertainty and witness the solutions and opportunities that spontaneously spring from it.”

Ok, Deepak. Yes, I hear you!

Oof! Uncertainty! This is one of my least favorite feelings, which is weird, because I’ve set up my life to be completely unpredictable. I chose a career that involves ever changing circumstances and handing over control to casting agencies, producers, and directors. I chose to build a life with a man who often flies by the seat of his pants. I chose to live far away from my family in a big, ever changing city where no two days are the same.

I chose all this, because I know I want it more than it stresses me out- but that doesn’t make it easy!

The meditation really inspired me though. It helped me to see that letting go of control actually makes room for freedom. I don’t have to follow every whim, every decision, every interaction to the end of the road to make sure it goes as planned. I can do me, and move on.

For Law of Attraction purposes, this frees up space in my mind, heart, and life for unexpected miracles and blessings. This session invited me to visualize, ask, decide, intend… then let it go.

It really reminds me of a moment that changed my acting career forever. Auditioning can be one of the most stressful parts of being an actor. It’s often awkward. You usually have about five minutes to walk in, show your range, show your choices, show you understand the material and are prepared, somehow also show you’re a nice, normal professional that people would enjoy working with, then you get out. The next person enters to try to do the same thing. It’s weird.

Then you wait. You start going over it in your head. “Why did I forget that line?” “Was I over the top?”
“Did I hit that funny part hard enough?” You wait and wait and 95% of the time you aren’t hired. That’s the business- they can’t hire everyone. Even if you were great, maybe your hair wasn’t right. Maybe someone else just “seemed” more the part. Maybe you didn’t look enough like the woman playing your mother. Maybe maybe maybe….

You can drive yourself crazy pretty quickly.

After about 7 years of auditioning this way, I completely changed my approach. I decided I would show up, be my best self, be prepared, and leave it all in the room. When I walk out, I give myself a little time to go over the experience, usually recounting how it went with my husband, then I let it go. I forget about it completely.

Now, I don’t notice the 95% of jobs I don’t get. I only get really excited about the 5% that send me an offer! It becomes a really cool surprise!

Of course, it’s not perfect. Some parts you really, really want. You connect with them and it’s hard to imagine them going to someone else. You can feel possessive. Sometimes you go through multiple rounds of auditions- callbacks, producers, etc- and you literally aren’t able to forget about it.

But, usually, it works.

I need to add this approach to the rest of my life. Show up, be my best self, forgive myself when I fall a little short of that, and move along. Say my piece, and leave it in that person’s hands. Ask the universe for whatever it is I want to manifest, and trust it has it handled.

Now, I ask one question of you. Is it in your head now? The song… from the blog title? Can you escape it? Will you be silently cursing me the next 48 hours until you can replace it with something less grating?

Just know I’ll suffer with you, friends. I’ll suffer with you….