Mar 21- Eviction

Meditation: Headspace, Self Love
Length: 10 minutes
Where: Home Office/Guest Room, Los Angeles
How It Felt: Inspiring AF!

Guys, I have been down for a few days! Not me, not actually me, but that stupid little voice that lives in your head and comes out especially when you’re feeling a little vulnerable.

For me, that used to be every single day of my life when my eating disorder had a grip on my brain. Every day I told myself I was fat, too lazy to work out more, too undisciplined to ever be successful, and any other number of horrible things. Every night I went to bed beating myself up for eating….well, anything. Unless I cleansed or successfully starved myself that day. But even then, my mind demon would start telling me I wasn’t strong enough to keep it up.

It was a great time for all. Ugh.

I could not be more thankful to be free of that voice. I kept raising that little demon’s rent until he couldn’t afford to stay anymore, and now my mind is such a pristine, luxurious high rise, that little beast can never afford to move back in!

Still, every once in a while, mostly when I get a bad depression snap, he stands outside of the building and I can just hear his hateful little voice coming in through the windows.

Luckily, I’m smarter than he is. I know better. I know I’m worthy, smart, beautiful, kind, loving, and that I have talent. I know I’m a good friend, sister, daughter, wife, and all around fabulous human. I’m funny, I’ll give you the shirt off my back, and I’ll show up to your standup show. I’ll even drive to the other side of the 405, if I know you well enough.

I’m a cool chick, guys.

But this guy still tries. My husband and I have named him “Rumple” after Rumpelstiltskin, a character that always freaked me out and who understandably stars in more than one horror film. This guy sucks so hard. (Although I was impressed with his portrayal by the fabulous Robert Carlyle in the show “Once Upon a Time,” but I am positively certain I’m off track here….)

When a bad bit of depression whacks me before I’m prepared for it, that voice gets to reach me for a few days. It’s like I don’t have time to close the windows and lock down the lobby. I hear “you’ve never accomplished anything” on repeat, like I haven’t been reaching basically every huge dream goal I have ever set for myself. I hear “they don’t really like you” when I know I am deeply, wonderfully loved. I hear “you are so lazy” no matter how much I checked off the to-do list in the days prior.

I never, ever hear “you’re too fat” anymore, though. Never. It worked when I was a scared little size 2, but it’s not going to work on my new, soft, fabulous curves. I love my body with all my heart! Rumple is never breaking us up again.

So, I hear all this, and more, but I know better. It is so trippy, like having two people inside me. One is me, for real, and one is this fake me that has been cobbled together by weird shit my parents did, the pressures of society (I’m lookin’ at you, patriarchy), random mistakes and vulnerable moments throughout the years, capitalism and its desire to make us feel useless if we aren’t making money every second of every day…. you know. That crap.

I don’t buy into it, not one bit. But it SUCKS. It’s like when someone tries to insult you and you know for a fact they’re crazy, probably jealous, likely insecure, and it has nothing to do with you… but it can still sting. Because what kind of horrible person wants to make someone else feel bad at all?

Rumple does. He’s a bitch like that.

So, today, I chose a wonderful meditation that will likely be a new favorite and a go-to for rough days. It’s called “Self Love” on the Headspace app, and it’s guided by “Carlos.” I do not know Carlos, but I’m a big, big fan. His voice is like a silky sweet brain massage, overriding those little demon voices, reminding you that you’re right, you are worthy of all the good things. You deserve it, babe! Carlos can tell you all about it.

He convinced me, that’s for sure!

I got a surge of energy about halfway through the meditation and I couldn’t sit still. I was ready to get up! To seize the day! I had ideas, plans, things to do!

I don’t know how it happened in a few short minutes, but Rumple can kiss my ass. Consider this a restraining order, and from now on, when he gets close, I’m just going to call the cops and get him thrown into jail for the night, so I have time to seal all the windows and hire extra security.

Seriously? Fuck that guy. And thank you, Carlos, wherever you are. You straightened it all out. Much appreciated.

So nice to be the only voice in my own head again. Screw self-doubt. I’ve got shit to do. Living creatures to help. Art to create. Money to make. Places to see, people to love, adventures to have.

Lots of all of that, please.

This has to be the most instantly mind-altering meditation I’ve ever had. Damn. This stuff works!