May 13- Gap

Meditation: Calm, 7 Days of Calming Anxiety: Non-Reactivity
Length: 12 minutes
Where: Home Office/Guest Room, Los Angeles
How It Felt: Good but hard to concentrate

I’m a little out of it today. I don’t know. I just feel off.

I managed to get so much done, but I still feel behind. I’m not used to this pace of life yet. For more than a year, a productive day might be a load of laundry, a few chapters of a book, and a walk. Now, I’m accomplishing half of what I did pre-pandemic but it just feels like… I don’t know. Too much.

I feel like I’m in this weird in between moment where life is still just dishes and brush your teeth and work out and clean up after yourself and answer your text messages and wash your face and get up and do it again, but with the other stuff all added in. Meaning, I also need to prepare for auditions and readings and upcoming trips and start planning a huge party we are throwing in August and book my birthday trip and etc etc etc etc….

But I’m not living the exciting parts yet. I’m just living the day to day to day and anticipating, preparing for the exciting stuff.

I could be more social already, but I’m easing in. I could be doing more exciting things, but I’m a little germ shy at the moment. I could be refusing to come out of my cave, but I’m so ready to be done with it.

I’m just… in the in between.

Meditating helps.

Today was about practicing non-reactivity, and I really love those meditations. I have always been reactive- I didn’t exactly have stellar emotional role models growing up, plus I tend toward the dramatic- so building in some space between stimulus and reaction is beyond invaluable for me. I would love to be able to process something before I get emotional about it, because, nine times out of ten, I pretty quickly realize it wasn’t worth my big emotions.

I tend to react too much, then pretty immediately calm myself down (unless it’s an honestly infuriating situation, which is different) and either apologize or laugh at myself, whichever is most appropriate. Often both.

But to skip the reaction altogether?? Yes, please! Sounds so relaxing!

Practicing this in my life, all the time, and very grateful to get these little mental workouts every day to practice there, too. Even though I felt a little anxious today, I definitely was able to control that feeling more than I usually can. That’s really cool.

One thing that is still super challenging for me: not analyzing my thoughts when they float through my mind during a meditation. I know we are just supposed to observe and let them float by, and I’m really doing better at that. However, I found myself frustrated that after the session, I couldn’t remember a thought I had that felt very powerful in the moment. A little breakthrough, an understanding I didn’t have before… just floated away. It’s driving me crazy.

I love analyzing my thoughts and feelings! I love understanding myself and others. I’m an actress! Understanding people (often better than they understand themselves!) is really my jam. I’m pretty good at it.

To let one of those moments slip through my fingers was a bit painful. I’m telling myself that if it was really important, it will come back to me.

I don’t know if I believe it! But I’m telling myself that!

Still, even with this little breakthrough casualty, totally worth it. 10/10 recommend. Meditate, friends!