Jul 26- Wounds

Meditation: Headspace, Releasing Wounds
Length: 5 minutes
Where: Bedroom, Los Angeles
How It Felt: Like letting go

Crazy times, man.

I feel like I’m trying to process, keep up, slow down, be creative, plan, take care of business, keep up with regular daily tasks, adjust to a new world trying to be an old world, and navigate old and new relationships, integrating new wisdom and perspective shifts from the past year- all of this, all at once.

Much less stressed today. Although, sitting in rehearsal listening to the director describe how we have no idea if we will even be able to perform for sure thanks to Covid numbers was not fun.

So tired of things being up in the air. It’s exhausting! But until people actually get on board with vaccines, this is our world, and I have no choice but to live in it.

I do not have a rocket. We are not all Jeff Bezos. (Thank goodness.)

Now that I’ve worked through my biggest frustrating emotions, I’m feeling calmer, thankfully. Get mad, then move along. No point in dwelling. Am I still stressed? Of course. These are stressful times. But I’m trying to take it one day at a time. Cliches work for a reason!

This is a particularly frustrating topic though because there is no way to get away from pandemic reminders. Maybe I could forget how angry I am at anti-vaxxers if I could throw myself into my work, but I tried that today and all I got was reminded that because of anti-vaxxers I may yet again lose my work! I can’t even go to the store without a mask reminding me that even though I’ve done everything responsibly and with kind intentions for my fellow humans, I still have to cover my face since we can’t even trust them to be honest and wear their own damn mask.

The whole thing is understandably frustrating for millions of us but also seems to be especially triggering for me in a different way. A lifetime of watching people make choices I could never understand and certainly didn’t respect. Selfish or fear based or ignorant choices. A lot of “looking out for number one” type stuff.

I have some deep wounds from a lifetime of being deeply misunderstood by my family, some of which came to a head yesterday. I love my family so much, but I’ve always been the weird one. The sensitive one. The west coast one. The liberal one that sees the world differently. The one that people were constantly telling to “toughen up” or “walk it off.” My family is generally nice about it, mostly just teasing, but considering I felt like a fish out of water anywhere in my hometown, it wore on me.

Spending my adult life healing in Al-anon, therapy, and eating disorder recovery has led me to realize other things, deeper and harder to face things, as well.

For instance, I feel like I can be a convenient punching bag, which is something I have finally woken up to and started putting strong boundaries around. I am the oldest sibling, so I always saw my purpose as being the person standing between my parents’ crappy behavior and my baby sisters and brother. It was instinct to be protective. However, when you stand between people who have pain they want to direct somewhere, it often lands squarely on you. It’s been painful at times to accept how this has played out, but also healing. It’s certainly not everyone in my family, and there are those who can appreciate everything I tried to do, especially when I was just a child myself.

Still, when you’re the different one, it can be easy to slide into the scapegoat role. It’s easy to have the best intentions and still be totally misunderstood. I sometimes find myself being the “safe” person for people to dump their crap on.

This is why I chose last night’s meditation, “Releasing Wounds.” I tried to really focus on the parts that hurt the most and let them go. It felt really… nice. Not a full release, but a gentle nudge in that direction. There was a lot of encouragement to look at what I might be holding onto for other people, pain that didn’t belong to me. I realized when I take responsibility for others in such a sweeping way, I make excuses for the way they treat me. I feel their pain and my heart aches for them, so I let them get away with more than they should.

Somehow, those closest to us are always the ones we regress around the most.

I spent a long time allowing people to treat me like the “problem” because they all generally saw the world the same way as each other and I was the outlier. Now that I’m surrounded by people who love me for who I am and celebrate that person, I can see things much more clearly. I made myself small for a long time. I tried to walk on eggshells, tried everything to help certain people see how much I loved and supported them, worked to shield them from whatever obstacles and pain I could, and tried to twist my life to fit inside the tiny hole they left for me.

Find your people. Find the ones who see all the good in you, who can speak honestly to you and accept honesty, people you aren’t afraid to be fully yourself with. We hear it all the time, but do we listen? Truly? Why do we allow relationships in our lives that make us feel like who we are is fundamentally wrong somehow? Why do we let others push their unresolved trauma onto us just because we love them?

I thrive around my people. I have energy and confidence and I get shit done. I inspire and lead. I am a team player, and I set boundaries easily without guilt. I feel comfortable making mistakes and safe taking responsibility when I do. I seldom if ever feel judged or dismissed or misunderstood. I’m happy and my best self.

Find your people. Yes it’s cliche. But cliches work for a reason!