Aug 10- Home Alone

Meditation: Headspace, Finding Focus #7
Length: 11 minutes
Where: Office/Guest Room, Los Angeles
How It Felt: Difficult!

Remember a few posts ago… when I lamented (a very little bit) my lack of manic episodes lately? I was mostly joking, but those bursts of energy are kind of fun sometimes….

Welp. It’s back! Careful what you wish for, right? Ha!

It’s okay though. I’m amped, yes. I’m quick to get emotional, but I’m back to staying away from other humans until our party, to be sure I don’t drag a Delta variant to anyone else, so it’s just mostly me getting emotional with myself. No harm done! I mean, I’m talking to a lot of people all day long, but mania makes you sort of happy and excited, so I just seem ready to go!

I’m using the energy to power through a bunch of things, which works great when manic, unless you hit a speed bump. (Example: I hate how my Yoga With Adriene videos play the next one in a lineup right when the first one ends. You never get a full Savasana! I need my corpse pose time, uninterrupted by a blaring commercial! So, I went down a rabbit hole of every possible solution for over an hour and a half, turning my quick, lovely, 25 minute yoga session into a pretty intense all evening hunt for answers that sometimes included tears. Ridiculous tears, but that’s how it goes!) (Also, I think I solved it. How do I get through life without YWA, I ask you? Hopefully I won’t have to find out!)

Anyway, it is kind of a relief to know I’m still me. Meditation hasn’t canceled out my peaks and valleys, just helped to soften them! I don’t mind my Bipolar life. Sometimes I’m a little sad, but it’s nice to be introspective and slow down to take care of myself those few days. Sometimes I’m a bit high, like now, but I get really creative and passionate and have some of my best ideas.

Macaulay Culkin taught me that you can just build a life that makes room for these swings and takes advantage of them for maximum creativity and self-care. You don’t have to take some pill and just numb yourself out. (Although if those highs and lows make you miserable, you should do anything that makes you happiest, including whatever medication works for you! I am not good on pills. Life becomes very Blah for me very quickly.)

The other good thing I’ve realized is that when I’m in a good place mania really is fun. When I’m stressed, it can become scary sometimes, definitely. Very “top of the rollercoaster” feeling. But this is just like…. having a lot of coffee. I’m making lists, working out solutions, writing, coming up with jokes. Lots of jokes!

I just finished Jerry Seinfeld’s book Is This Anything? and, besides being 450 pages of utter genius, it completely inspired me to finally take the “stand up” plunge. It’s the one frontier of comedy I’ve stalled for as long as possible. Funny movies? Stage? TV? Give me the comedic role, I’m thrilled. Sketch comedy? Sign me up! I’ve done that everywhere! I got brave enough to really get into improv, and I’m getting pretty good at it! Super proud of that new skill. Short form, long form- I got you.

But stand up? Terrifying. Just you, on the stage, with all material you wrote. No one to blame or to help you or to hide behind. And, as we know, even the absolute best stand up comedians on Earth completely bomb sometimes. Many times. You have to. It’s the only way to work out a joke. The nuance, the timing, the word placement. It’s an art, and it’s art you can only improve by listening for laughs. You could work on a joke for a solid year, every day at home by yourself, and it could bomb. You just won’t know until you get up and try it.

Nightmare! That I have to try. I have to do it. I can’t get to the end of my life and never have tried this. I think… I think I might be really good at it. I have to see.

Plus, I’m already a night owl, so lord knows I keep the hours.

What am I even writing about? Meditation. I meditated today. As you can imagine, it was hard to focus… on practicing being focused. I fought through! I stayed with it! The minute I was told to open my eyes, they flew open. I jumped up, ready for the next thing.

It’s not always a life-changing experience… except I guess it is. Cumulatively. Right?

Okay, this is a great manic blog! Welcome to the peek inside my mind today. I’m ready to jump up and get to the next thing, I gotta tell you. Like…. now!

This guy taught me how to lean into mania by building a flexible life. Plus I was totally in love with him when I was little. A cute, brilliant actor who was also a classically trained ballet dancer like me? I died.