Aug 28- Tarot

Meditation: Headspace, Wind Down: Light Visualization
Length: 5 minutes
Where: In Bed, Los Angeles
How It Felt: Relaxing

I chose a sleep meditation on purpose last night, as I really did need help sleeping. I was jazzed. Worked up from an amazing party with wonderful people, anxious and excited to tape my audition in the morning, just sort of high on life! I know myself, and that is not a recipe for a nice, deep night of sleep.

Our friend’s party was truly an awesome time. I got to reconnect with some old friends, introduce Steve to them, and meet a lot of fabulous new people. I love LA parties. The weirder the better. First you’re talking to a casting director about how she found her deepest purpose during the pandemic, then to a lawyer who recently started his own firm to help fight unfair evictions, then to a director recently arrived from Ohio who just finished his first feature and plans to spend a month recovering in Mexico…

It is just a guaranteed interesting time!

We laughed a lot and ate a lot and generally had fun. The BEST part, though, hands down, was our tarot card readings. Now, here’s the thing. I believe in energy. I believe that intuitive people can use any medium to tell you about yourself or feel things about the universe. I also believe that people often learn to read cards as a fun party trick, and that’s all good, too.

This was not that. This amazing woman knew her stuff- this was immediately obvious.

Right away, she went into all the stuff I’ve been going through, talking about with Steve nonstop, adjusting to. I had goosebumps from the first card. Letting go of people, of old ways, old habits. Not worrying about what people think, especially family, and not letting them hold me back. Going for it, believing in myself now that I’m unhindered. How hard and uncomfortable change is, but necessary to go through.

It sounds so vague to type out, but she was crazy specific about certain things. She even called me out on meditating! She asked if I ever meditate, and I proudly announced that I meditate every single day thankyouverymuch! Not catching me there! But, she didn’t really back down, and I sheepishly had to admit I’d really been phoning it in for a couple of busy and overwhelming weeks. She encouraged me to do better, to get really still and pay attention when I meditate, because a lot was waiting for me there.

She talked about all my big ideas, including my biggest goal, and my need to believe in myself, which is honestly the only thing I’m missing sometimes. I still get clouded with doubt, because honestly, acting is a crazy thing to do for a living! It’s something magical. It’s a dream. But I wouldn’t be doing it if I didn’t think I could. Every job I book confirms this. Where is the doubt coming from?

She mentioned my past, and my family, and old ties that bind. I’ve stopped myself and slowed down my career multiple times because I didn’t want to become unavailable to my family, or to be less flexible for my husband and step-kids. I was afraid to have life start moving so fast that I would have to miss a lot of things “back home,” so every time things started going really well, I either found a distraction or the universe handed me one.

And why? Because I’m from the Midwest, and we are raised “family first.” Because I really believed my younger siblings needed me still. Because I didn’t want to miss out on anything. Because I had FOMO. Because I kept telling myself I would get to my dreams once I was sure everyone was ok, and once I didn’t need to be there for weddings and showers and new babies and big life events and….

You get it.

I felt overly responsible for a group of people I’m not responsible for, and I felt scared to leave the concept of “home” behind.

LA is my home. It’s where I’m truly happy. I could have a home in New York, too, or other places. But the Midwest never felt like home, not even when it was the only place I’d ever lived. I let this romanticized idea of it hold me back. I’m not doing that anymore.

That was the confirmation I got last night, and it felt like the stamp of approval I needed to feel less guilty, less tortured over this shift. No one is expecting me to be this person but myself. I’m letting down no one. (Well, we’ll see how people really feel when it’s clear I’m sticking with this new plan, but they will be okay. Everyone will be okay.)

For so long my identity was “the girl who will take care of things for you.” Now, I’m going to be “the girl who sets out to do it and does it for herself and gives back in gratitude.” That sounds nicer, right?

Hey, it’s in the cards, after all….

Photo by Anastasia Shuraeva on