Meditation: Balance, Gratitude Length: 10 minutes Where: In Bed, Los Angeles How It Felt: Magical Who Joined Me: Steve
Life is good. I feel like I’m on the other side of whatever I’ve been going through, all this change and grief and letting go and getting ready for the next chapter.
Last night, Steve and I lay in bed curled up together and did a gratitude meditation. It was so beautiful. I could feel his heartbeat, his warm body holding me close. We had an amazing weekend together, and today he’s on set for a really cool project with a big name lead actor, and I’m working from home, getting my next audition ready, working on the script I’m directing.
Everything feels so… hopeful.
I’m happy. Life is amazing, and I’m finally going to let myself lean into the flow of it all. I love my job, I love my marriage, I love my friends, and my life, and I feel luckier than ever. So much good news coming in, so much opportunity opening up. I have to pinch myself today.
I read in a book recently that suffering is what happens when we try to avoid pain. I feel that so deeply. I was suffering without realizing it for a long time, in little soul draining ways. I was giving away so much of myself because I was afraid of what would happen if I changed things, if I changed myself. I was scared to see what I would lose.
Then, I had to feel that pain fully. It was hard, but it was undoubtedly worth it. I know it’s not completely over, but I already feel happier in a new way. A deeper way. A way I know I can trust. I feel calm and more confident than ever, because I’m aligning with my own center, not trying to twist to incorporate everyone else. I believe in myself and my choices.
I just feel powerful and good.
Don’t avoid dealing with the hot stove in your life. That’s my best advice. Do the hard stuff as soon as you know it needs to be done and have some strength and support. Support makes a huge difference and can come in so many forms. Find it, and make those changes. You can do it. You can shift. You can grow and adjust as many times as you need to. The suffering comes from staying in the same place when it doesn’t feel right.
This is preachy and cheesy and might even sound like bragging to some. Studies show people respond positively to men who are happy and confident, after all, but tend to resent women who feel that way. What sane woman in this world could know this and possibly still care what people in general think of them? Not this woman. I’m finally free of all of that. If I’m too happy and love myself too much for some people, that just means I’m doing something right.
I’m done dimming my light. I’m going to spend the rest of my life stoking the flames and spreading that light around instead. It just seems like a more sane way to spend my time, when I’ve got this one shot at life.
I’m very, very grateful to be where I am right now, and very motivated to do big things with all of it. Excited to finish 2021 stronger than ever!