Sep 8- Clear

Meditation: Calm, Timed Meditation
Length: 4 minutes, 10 minutes
Where: Office/Guest Room, Los Angeles
How It Felt: Soothing

I’ve been busy working this week, plus all kinds of hormonal, so I just didn’t want to do a focused meditation. I wanted a little space to let my mind zone out fully. To clear out the clutter and make room to process.

I started out with a five minute timed mediation, which is silent except for soothing ocean sounds and a bell at the end to let you know you’re done. I thought five minutes of quiet would do the trick, but about four minutes in, I knew I wanted more, so I picked up my phone and reset the whole session for ten minutes.

It felt great. It’s a small thing to simply change your mind about the length of a meditation, but the fact that I did it is sort of a big deal to me. I normally get a lot of anxiety about not completing things or doing them in the right order or “right way,” and normally I would have finished the five minute session fully, then maybe started the ten minute I really wanted. I would have just spent the last minute waiting to be done so I could start again. Perfectionism, my old friend.

But I didn’t feel that way at all. I knew what I really needed was more time, and I didn’t want to break up my meditation too much, so I skipped the awkward “finish for the sake of it” time in between and just did what was best for me. The fact that I can do that without feeling guilty or “unfinished” says good things about where I stand with my OCD. It gets worse when I’m anxious or feeling out of control. I must feel good and in control, and honestly, I do!

My husband is out buying cheese and other groceries (and most importantly cheese- did I mention that?) A spot he worked on for his client just aired during the first football game of the season. We are finally going to watch Ted Lasso starting tonight. I am feeling lucky to have happened upon a couple new gigs this week, we have nothing planned this weekend but being together, comfortable, lazy, full, and happy, and I’m already in PJs at 6:30p.

Life is good! Now that I’ve cleared out a lot of the bullshit and rewritten how I think about so many things, I can really just relax and enjoy so much. I feel like I’m not fighting so hard. I have more space to see clearly.

Steve just text me a picture of the New York style cheesecake he’s bringing home… seriously. How much luckier can a girl get?