Nov 14- Panic Attack

Meditation: Headspace, Wind Down: Noting
Length: 3 minutes
Where: In bed, Los Angeles
How It Felt: Quick

This has to have been one of the longest weekends of my life.

I am so tired I can hardly keep my eyes open. But I made it through the hardest part and now Steve is on a plane and almost here. He helped me so much while I was running around trying to take care of things this weekend, sick with worry about Tigre. He contacted our regular emergency vet, and when he learned the wait times were still eight to ten hours, he got lists of other emergency vets close to us and cross checked and called them all until the found one that could take Tigre in a reasonable time. He contacted them to set it all up, and sent me the info, and all I had to do was get home fast (I left work early), take one look at my baby to see he was still miserable, scoop him up and dash back to the car.

Thankfully, he’s okay, but we still spent all night at the vet. I hadn’t eaten and was running on so little sleep I was nearly out of my mind. I almost ran out of gas on the way home because I wasn’t paying attention. When we finally made it back, just barely, of course our tiny block was closed off on either end by the police. Something about a stolen car. Something that had never, in all our years living here, happened before. Basically only two buildings were blocked, and ours was one of them. Tigre was crying, I was shaky and starving and exhausted, I still had an early morning today (not quite as early as the weekend), and I knew everything upstairs needed washed and cleaned and spot treated and everything else that happens when your poor cat throws up or wipes himself on every available surface (that you thankfully covered with towels and blankets).

So, that’s the story of how I came to stumble out of my car in the middle of the road and have a panic attack while a very patient police officer comforted me and talked me down. I had just repeated to myself for the last twenty minutes, “Just have to make it home, just have to make it home, then it’s all okay.” And I could not get home!

Things I am unbelievably grateful for:

  1. Steve changing his flight to get here as quickly as he could, and generally being the best partner in the world.
  2. Tigre is going to be okay. He had a rough 48 hours but he’s starting to seem like himself again. This is a huge one, and the most important thing in all this.
  3. I got some sleep last night and can sleep as long as I want tonight! And tomorrow night! And Wednesday!
  4. The cleaners I scheduled for Friday had to reschedule for today and that turned out to be a lifesaver after everything with this poor cat.
  5. Cops can be real dicks (as I’ve encountered multiple times in my life, some of those stories incredibly traumatic), but I happened to cross an incredibly kind one last night. He also happened to be named David, like my father and grandfather, and it honestly felt like a guardian angel situation. If he had been terrible…I don’t know what I would have done. My brain felt like it snapped for a second.
  6. I managed to stay professional and on top of work that I truly care about these few days, even while tired, stressed, and out of it.
  7. I have a great support system of people who love me, and even though I’m bad at asking for help, I’m getting better.
  8. I bought loads of healthy groceries and spent Friday doing a lot of food prep, so eating, while an afterthought, hasn’t been another source of stress. Also, never underestimate the healing power of ordering your favorite omelette and a huge green juice from Grubhub when needed. So thankful for food delivery!
  9. I’ve been very poor and/or broke a lot of my life, so I never take for granted being able to easily pay for something like an emergency vet bill or a full tank of gas, even if I can’t remember to stop and actually put the gas in. It’s a terrible feeling to have stress compounded by financial stress as well. Grateful.

Mediation has taken a major backseat these past few days, but I still made time every night before I slept, no matter what. I know I will only be more stressed if I stop meditating.

10. Grateful for meditation apps right on my phone.

I tried the Noting session to see if I could help my brain relax and sleep better last night, but I was too worried about Tigre to sleep solidly. I kept waking up to check on him. His silence freaks me out.

I need my cat-rooster!

But he’s okay. And tonight and tomorrow I’ll have an extra set of eyes, ears, and arms to help watch over him. Steve is so amazing with him- just two of the most loving boys I know. I love Steve’s kids like my own, and loves mine.

Just as it should be.

Can’t wait to get back into that man’s arms. Two hours!!

My boys