Dec 16- Anger

Meditation: Headspace, Transforming Anger #1
Length: 10 minutes
Where: Bedroom, Michigan
How It Felt: Hopeful

Like it or not, the end of the year really is coming, huh? Wow. What an absolutely crazy two years it’s been. I don’t even feel like the same person I was in 2019!

Some of the healing work I’ve been doing over this time has been extremely challenging emotionally. I’ve grieved and felt sad or lonesome, and I’ve definitely gotten angry at times, too. Once I get to the other side, I always feel a hundred times better than before, but knowing that doesn’t make these emotions feel any less difficult while I’m in them.

As I shared in an earlier post, I’ve been reading the book Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents. It’s helping me understand so much about why I am how I am and what I went through as a child. It’s also, I’ve noticed, bringing up a lot of suppressed anger. It’s really not cool that Little Me had to deal with so much, or that I was just on my own to figure out the world in so many ways. It’s not okay that my parents made so much of our lives about them– their needs, their wants, their shortcomings, their grudges, their insecurities, their addictions, etc. We are all human, and I have a lot of forgiveness in my heart for both of my parents. However, there are many things I’ve never just let myself be angry about for a little while.

Well, I am now.

I know these feelings are temporary, as all feelings are. I know they will pass, and I will feel peaceful again. I know I have a lot of love in my heart for my mom and dad, and I can also see a lot of things they did right. Still, we have to process these things properly or they can eat away at us forever.

Last night I was looking through my apps for a new series, and I found the “Transforming Anger” series on Headspace. I loved the sound of “transforming” anger- as in, not just letting it run through you and then let it go, but perhaps you can actually turn it into something useful. It reminded me of an artist’s quote, “turn your shit into gold.” Meaning, take the crap you had to survive and turn it into something beautiful that resonates with other humans and connects us.

So far, the first session was pretty low key- a lot of deep breathing and body scanning. I definitely felt calmer after. At the end I was promised some tools for using anger for something good or productive as we go on, and I’m very much looking forward to that!

At the moment, I don’t feel angry at all. Steve and I wrapped up work for the weekend. He’s out finishing some shopping while I stayed home to do some wrapping and organizing and such. Tonight we are digging into a charcuterie box he was sent as a gift and finally watching the British version of The Office. Tomorrow, we drive to Indiana for my family’s big Christmas party. We’ve had a lot of lucky breaks, good financial news, and fun opportunities pouring in this month. Life is good. I’m feeling pretty lucky.

Still excited to see what this series has to teach me! I want next year to be all about achieving career and creative goals, plus travel and adventure and some personal goals, too. I’m ready to launch out of my little cocoon and get back to building this life I love so much. I’ve transformed!

Ready to fly.