Dec 31- Final Check-In

Meditation: Calm, Daily Trip: Thank You
Length: 9 minutes
Where: Living Room of our Condo, Lake Tahoe
How It Felt: Full Circle and Beautiful
Who Joined Me: Steve

I did it. I can’t believe I did it. I am so proud of my frickin’ self right now.

I meditated every single day for an entire year.

I am so grateful to everyone who followed, read, liked, commented, etc throughout this blog. Without this accountability, I am not sure I ever could have done this. Thank you, truly.

Steve and I meditated together in our little condo in Lake Tahoe last night. The Daily Trip with Jeff Warren felt like a fitting end point, since I did the thirty day “How to Meditate” course with him toward the very beginning of this experiment. He taught me so much, including the meaning of “equanimity,” my favorite concept I’ve learned in all of this. He brought it up again in the meditation last night! Plus, it was all about gratitude, which makes me joyful and is a perfect exercise for entering the new year.

I’m so happy I got to do my final session with Steve, as well. He’s been so supportive during this process, meditating with me (often in strange places), giving me time to do my own sessions and blog daily, bragging about me and pumping me up, reminding me when needed, and starting his own regular meditation practice, which will help me keep it up. I have an incredibly supportive and loving partner, and I am extremely grateful.

I’m going to do my last check-in now. I know I skipped a lot of these, but I’m excited to look back and see how far I’ve come in the past 365 days.

Thank you for everything. I’m so excited to not have to write this blog every day, but I’m honored, humbled, and thankful for all it’s brought into my life. This is definitely bittersweet!

What I hoped to find:

• Increased calm, less anxiety- I found this times a thousand. I’m almost approaching the territory of actually being a calm person, I think. I mean, minus my passionate side. My anxiety has been so much more manageable. Amazing.
• Better balance & handling of my manic episodes- YES! Thank goodness! Steve and I were talking about this last night. Edibles help as well, but my episodes of both mania and depression are shorter, much less severe, and sometimes barely noticeable. I also attribute some of this to the healing work I did this year, but it’s a marked difference from this time last year.
• Much less reactivity in my daily life- Yes yes yes. It goes with being calmer. If I do get upset, I calm down so much more quickly. But, generally, less is bothering me in every area of my life.
• More empathy- for myself & others- I hope so. I believe so. This has come from a lot of things over the past couple of years, but meditation has done its part.
• A better understanding of who I am at my core- Oh my gosh. Yes. I’ve always known myself pretty well, but, like RuPaul promised, meditation took me deep. I see so much about myself I never did before. I’ve forgiven things. I’ve realized things. I’ve figured out why I do almost everything I do, and what I really, actually want. Amazing.
• Inspiration, ideas, & solutions- I’d say about one in ten sessions led me to a new idea, a breakthrough, or a sudden understanding. It’s incredible what happens when you let yourself get quiet.
• A more direct connection to my emotions- I think so. I’m trying to have a better relationship with my emotional side. To feel safe feeling hard things.
• Forgiveness- I’ve found forgiveness for so much over the past twelve months. I wasn’t holding on to a whole lot because that’s not my way, but I rooted out the things I was holding on to and found ways to let them go. Most of them, anyway.
• A deeper capacity for love and acceptance- I hope so! In some ways. In other ways, though, I’ve learned to get stronger and not accept certain treatment or behavior. So, this one is a little complicated.
• More range & confidence as an actor- Confidence without a tiny shadow of a doubt. Range? That remains to be seen! I can’t wait to get back to work this year!
• An even more loving marriage- Definitely. Again, I have to give Steve his due, because he has been working so hard on himself this year. We are in a really strong place, which makes my heart so happy.
• Some wisdom, perhaps- Ah yes. I’m obnoxiously wise, now, really. Ok, not really, but I learned so much- about how to approach life, how to handle myself, how to care for myself, how to love others more and be more open and fluid. I learned how to really listen to what my inner voice was telling me. I learned why I did so many things, and that I don’t need to hold on to coping mechanisms and survival skills anymore. I feel- and this is an annoying word- clear.
• Less annoyance at the world in general when things don’t go the way I think they should- Ask my husband but I think so! I’ve been mindfully finding the blessings wherever I can. I grumble sometimes, sure- sometimes it’s satisfying to act crabby when you feel crabby- but I don’t let people or problems work me up the way I used to.
• Greater flexibility- Maybe. I don’t know! I hope so. I like things the way I like them… and I still probably hold on to too much control… but I’m still working on it.
• The ability to meditate well– to sit comfortably, to let thoughts pass without grabbing them, to actually get the most out of the practice (with the understanding it will never be “perfect” & that some days will be more challenging than others)- Yes! I’m proud of this! Every day is different, of course, but I’ve made tons of progress.
• A clear map to that quiet place that lives inside all of us- Pretty sure I found it. I know where to go to “sink” in and listen. I know where to find myself under everything else. I plan to continue visiting every single day, for the rest of my life because- turns out- I like hanging out with me.