May 4- Force(d)

Meditation: Calm, How to Meditate: Cosmic Burpee
Length: 11 minutes
Where: Office/Guest Room, Los Angeles
How It Felt: Mmmm, ok
Who Joined Me: Steve

Writing this blog quickly on a break from today’s voiceover class (busy day!) so it’s going to be fast!

Yesterday’s meditation was, well… eh. It’s the second to last session in the 30 day “How to Meditate” series, which I’ve been loving, and we are now deep into different styles. This one instructed us to “be aware of our awareness” which is part of everything, because the universe IS awareness, and therefore so are we….

It was pretty meta, is my point.

When it was over, Steve said almost immediately “I didn’t really like that.” And I laughed, because it was so adorable, and because I didn’t really either. I couldn’t wrap my head around it much, though it’s always cool to try things out and see how they feel.

Let’s just say burpees are my least favorite exercise (I plan to never, ever do another one for the rest of my life if possible) and this meditation felt exactly that hard. So, now I know. Tried it!

I did for some reason have a realization during the meditation that was kind of powerful. It’s kind of hard to explain, but I started thinking about this person I decided I didn’t really like because they are awkward, which I don’t mind at all, but interacting with them causes me to be awkward, too, which I don’t enjoy.

Which made me realize I don’t really not like this person, I just don’t like me when I’m around them.

Which then made me realize there are people in my life that make this big show of hating or demonizing me (not many, thankfully, but I can think of two obvious women off the top of my head) who don’t actually have any real problem with me whatsoever, so I couldn’t understand their need to hate me so much, especially when they are the ones bringing all the crappy behavior to the equation. Now I understand it’s because I’ve seen and witnessed their awfulness, and they are embarrassed that they are so ridiculous, so it’s easier for them to decide I’m the problem when really they’ve been caught with their pants down, so to speak.

When people hate you, it almost never has anything to do with you. I hate a few people- people who have truly harmed people I love with zero justice, I’m talking physical harm or deeply and intentionally fucking them up, and these victims are children- and maybe I should be more enlightened than that, but I’m not. I hate them.

But when someone just bitchily hates you, almost definitely they are embarrassed because something about you shines a light on parts of themselves they hate, so they project it on to YOU so they don’t have to feel it, face it, or accept it.

Why did this meditation help me realize this? No idea. Because I needed to realize it. Because I got quiet and my heart and brain floated this wisdom up to me. Because I knew it already deep inside and just had to put the pieces together…

Something like that, probably!

Meditation is the real thing, man. Loving this!